The old enemy, the forgotten child

Recently I saw my counselor whom i love deeply, i feel connected to her in a very pure way. Whether its the other way round is just a mystery and i like it that way. She did EMDR on me. EMDR is a form of hypnotherapy. She did this on me for the purpose of “the me now” accepting ‘the me’ as an early teenager. The session lasted for two hour and during those long hours i was on a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences.

Since then it has been a constant war in my head that sucks energy. In this post I will have Jot down my beliefs, values and feelings in the most poetic manner i can. Enjoy and understand what it was like for me back then, and how I’m trying to love him now.

My defense

He destroys everything, I don’t care if his love is pure, innocent he is not. He is climbing back up the cliff I made sure he went off, why are you letting him do this? Stop, please stop. He is scared and alone, his happiness is dependent of the actions of others, yours is not. Why do you want him to come back? The hurt, the suffering, the confusion. Fuck Him. Let him die. You are in a good place, why bring him back. He deserved what he got. You don’t. You accept, you forgive. He doesn’t. He is not meant for this world. There is no rational to him, he lives for his pain, not for real love. For desires, for obsessive love. he is scared, he has doubts, he fears the world and life doesn’t accept it. He is a loser, you are a winner. Success is something he will never obtain because he wants it too badly. You are already successful, no one can hurt you. He will be hurt. Turn Back Turn Back before it is too late.

Me Then

Please give me a chance, teach me. Look after me. I want to Love you I want to Love her Love them. They hurt me, i want to hurt you. They Love me, give me all of it. If you don’t I might hurt you, i will hurt you. Fuck everyone why should they be happy, why should have it all. Fuck them, they don’t deserve anything but emptiness. The whole in my heart, thats what they deserve all of them. I just wanted to love, to love pure and free. No one wants that because they are weak, fucking weak just like me. I don’t want to hurt anymore please show me the way. Please give me a chance, i can never die and i know you know that. I love you

 

I am trying to accept my feelings as they are. Change is life, even if you are in a good place change will still occur. These are just two sides of me, even if they are from the past or the present it is still a present force whether i like it or not. I will take the best of both and work on the evils of both. It would be nice to find the love i looked for back then. The love i receive now is nice as well. But something, as a brother of mine has said. “Feels Missing”

I know he is right, because the love i have been receiving numbs the pain of that child, that me. And I’m scared that once this love goes it will come back. I rather have that hole in me than the hurt. That is for sure

But I still believe this was meant to be, ill let it come, i won’t fight it.

The whole ability to be human is to accept and love the good and bad. Without them, life wouldn’t be. Thats what makes us beautiful the fact that in each moment we will never know what comes, so whatever comes, comes

lets face em together.

Fearless

Fighting fear only suppresses it, accepting fear is what kills it slowly.

We have been taught our whole lives to fight through our fears, all it does is it keeps it locked up, still it feeds, still it grows, until one day when our defenses our down it breaks free hitting us twice as hard as before.

Fear is not a force on it’s own, it is just the absence of trust, just like darkness is the absence of light. When we trust, fear cannot exist, it is impossible. Just like if there is light, we can see. We know what is there, the darkness does not consume us.

But what happens when we fight with fear, it is like using a torchlight, we can see temporarily, but when the battery dies, we are back in the darkness as lost as we were before. Fighting fear wastes our energy, because we cannot fight forever, sure we might get a lucky break here and there that boosts our confidence but eventually when we keep challenging fear, we will come across a dead end.

So what does it mean to accept?

Accepting fear does not mean creating your own light, accepting fear means stepping into the darkness 100% willingly. Knowing whatever lies there waiting cannot harm us. Whatever it is we fear in life, whether it has physical or mental consequences, we must understand yes, fear is real, but no it does NOT control us, it is not who we are. It cannot hurt our spirit. It is just a thing. that is all.

When people become so engrossed in fear it consumes their whole lives. They spend every single waking moment dying because of it, never truly living. Whatever it is they fear of won’t hurt them as much as the fear it self.

You must find the beauty of the darkness, accept the beauty of the darkness. Darkness is natural for our progress, whatever we take from the darkness is up to us. Welcome it, it is one of the ways we truly live, to know any second your whole world can be taken away from you and still be happy.

When you understand this, and when you practice this. You will know that once we accept the darkness, we will create our own light, that is unlimited and infinite, it will never run out on us no matter how dark it gets. That is called trust. But in order to have trust we must be courageous and accept our fears.

We ALL have fears, it is normal. Let the fear come and let go. Don’t hold on to it, don’t fight it. And it will show itself out.

Whether we fear of death, of life, of school, of family, of failure or of rejection. It does not matter. The consequence itself is nothing, we have enough strength to pull ourselves out of it. We have enough strength to shine our lights in every single moment. Fear does not exist, it is there. But there is no meaning for it in lives, it serves no purpose. Once we understand that we can move on, we can trust. We can shine.

It is so important to trust in life, it is so import an not to hold on to our fears. Say it to your,

“Ok there is fear, so what? So what?”

Its just fear, it like an annoying person around you, he is here, you don’t like him. But so what, he cannot hurt you unless you let him.

Eventually when we accept, that person or ‘fear’ will just fade, and slowly by slowly it will mean nothing to you.

I am not scared of death, i accept it. I die, i will be in mystery, if i don’t i still have so much of this wonderful life to uncover. I will have lived un aware that i will die, i will have truly lived. If i spent all my waking life fearing death, I am already dead.

When we accept things they are no longer in front of us, when we don’t they will constantly block our way.

Fear eats away at us when we cannot accept, it is the opposite of our existence, being free and to live in mystery. That is the joy of life, not knowing where it will take you and getting to a beautiful place. We cannot get to that beautiful place if we fear. We will never reach our infinite potential if we hesitate jumping into mystery.

Do not concern yourself with the negative thoughts about the future, because the future never comes, we live in the present. You can be happy RIGHT NOW and only now because now is forever and always.

I was so scared of coming back to the serve the army, fearing it every single day, it was eating away at my heart and soul, i created a living hell for myself. Even before i was in it. I was already living in that hell i created with out knowing that hell would never come.

It is foolish to think we know what will happen, it is foolish to think we can plan our heaven. If we don’t jump into our hell with courage, we will never  get out. That beautiful place, we are already living in. The future does not exist, it is just the absence of living in the beautiful present. So know one thing. That despite of all the facts, we are still in control.

There is nothing to fear, but if you have fear no that it has absolutely no control over us, it is just there. Like the floor or hate or a ball. It is just there.

Learn to trust life, learn to have courage. Everything is beautiful, fear is meaningless so don’t try to give it a meaning.

thanks for reading

The Pain In Faith, The Joy In Trust

Theres a huge difference

Trust is when you were a kid, and your dad carried you on his shoulders, tossed you in the air. You didn’t have a care in the world. You trusted him not to let you fall, you never thought about falling to you it didn’t exist.

Faith is when he scolded you, you know right now despite of all the pain and anger, he still loves you, in the long run you believe everything will be alright. despite of the pain.

Faith is the essential first step you take in life, most of the time you find it after a rough patch, when the storm has settled. When you can feel the warm touch of the sun again, the only problem is most people never get out of that first step, they either get stuck there or fall back into fear. Why is it so hard to move on to trust? because we don’t accept, we only believe. When we believe and don’t get any results, we doubt and when we doubt fear sets in. Doubt is hard to fight, especially when results aren’t shown. But what we need to grasp in life in order to have trust, is that a perfect life or existence, is mystery.

There is no absolute final destination in life that we can comprehend or create in our minds, the perfect reality we visualize will always have flaws. Our idea of heaven will lead us to a worse reality of Hell. And our idea of Hell is as good as the heaven we hope to reach for. We must experience heaven for ourselves not imagine or create it, the only way to do that is to take the leap of faith without seeing or thinking about the end results but to make the most out of every leap.

We are not fragile creatures but we choose to be. We choose to be weak. We choose to give up. We choose to fear. Its a safer concept than trust. Comfortable in our minds but the idea of comfort cannot be chosen, it must be proven. It is deserved with trust. Trust isn’t a simple feat to achieve, i myself know for a fact i am no where close yet, and if I myself is no where close what does that make you? off the map. Lost, stuck, trapped, blind. You don’t see with your eyes, you see with your heart. You see with your spirit. You see through love, through courage.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the total presence of it” – Osho

the end product of courage takes you a step closer to fearlessness, fearlessness does not mean, invincibility, it does not mean pleasure, it does not even mean success. Fearlessness is a way of life. Where we can accept it to the fullest, and thats all that matters.

At the end of this life if you do not trust, you will fear, if you fear you will regret. When you regret you will mourn.

At the end of this life if you trust, you will be fearless, when you are fearless you will accept, and when you accept you will celebrate.

When we don’t accept life is mystery, we pretend. We all have our own calling of life, accept we make our own rules and values which can change every time.

For example, Muhammad Ali and Lance Armstrong were both great people, but they did different things. If Muhammad Ali rode a bike he would be clumsy and uncomfortable, if Lance Armstrong boxed he would be scared and awkward.

The same with Jesus, Muhammad, Krishna, Buddha. They all did great things when they were completely different people. The end result is still the same, healing, help, love, guidance. We can look for them for help, but we cannot put our trust in them more than we trust in ourselves, it is foolish. It is like expecting to win the race with the faourite horse. We have to evaluate life and decide the choices from our heart. At the end of it we will be our own. Original and great. fearless.

God speaks to us when we show courage. Not when we beg. Not when we follow. But when we create. Mystery is essential to accept. Because essentially it is the power that creates. Fear does not exist in mystery, fear exist in our minds. Mystery comes from our heart.

When we can accept mystery we can truly live, the answers we seek is mystery, the answers we tell ourselves are the lies. We should not be concern with the questions, as long as there is mystery our questions don’t need to be answered. We just live, wholeheartedly, and free. It is ok to desire and wanted, it is natural but not getting what we want is NOT A PROBLEM. In fact it is more of a solution that teaches us how to be resilient and strong. There is no worries, this physical dimension is just the start of existence.

We are a part of a bigger picture that we will never ever understand through what we know. Understanding is mystery, mystery is understanding. Trust is life and death, life and death is trust. Fear takes on many shapes and sizes. Doubt creates reality, trust creates mystery. Faith is a painful and long road, sometimes we come across fear and doubt and we go backwards. when we accept that is when the journey of trust and healing begins. Our hearts and minds are both gifts of the spirit and God. Use them to help each other conquer fear and doubt. To trust and accept, happiness and love are both Actions. Fear cannot defeat a man who accepts. And once fear dies, trust you will have.

Courage can lead you down the right path. when you don’t care about the end result, you will be alive. Not just living.