Recently I saw my counselor whom i love deeply, i feel connected to her in a very pure way. Whether its the other way round is just a mystery and i like it that way. She did EMDR on me. EMDR is a form of hypnotherapy. She did this on me for the purpose of “the me now” accepting ‘the me’ as an early teenager. The session lasted for two hour and during those long hours i was on a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences.
Since then it has been a constant war in my head that sucks energy. In this post I will have Jot down my beliefs, values and feelings in the most poetic manner i can. Enjoy and understand what it was like for me back then, and how I’m trying to love him now.
He destroys everything, I don’t care if his love is pure, innocent he is not. He is climbing back up the cliff I made sure he went off, why are you letting him do this? Stop, please stop. He is scared and alone, his happiness is dependent of the actions of others, yours is not. Why do you want him to come back? The hurt, the suffering, the confusion. Fuck Him. Let him die. You are in a good place, why bring him back. He deserved what he got. You don’t. You accept, you forgive. He doesn’t. He is not meant for this world. There is no rational to him, he lives for his pain, not for real love. For desires, for obsessive love. he is scared, he has doubts, he fears the world and life doesn’t accept it. He is a loser, you are a winner. Success is something he will never obtain because he wants it too badly. You are already successful, no one can hurt you. He will be hurt. Turn Back Turn Back before it is too late.
Please give me a chance, teach me. Look after me. I want to Love you I want to Love her Love them. They hurt me, i want to hurt you. They Love me, give me all of it. If you don’t I might hurt you, i will hurt you. Fuck everyone why should they be happy, why should have it all. Fuck them, they don’t deserve anything but emptiness. The whole in my heart, thats what they deserve all of them. I just wanted to love, to love pure and free. No one wants that because they are weak, fucking weak just like me. I don’t want to hurt anymore please show me the way. Please give me a chance, i can never die and i know you know that. I love you
I am trying to accept my feelings as they are. Change is life, even if you are in a good place change will still occur. These are just two sides of me, even if they are from the past or the present it is still a present force whether i like it or not. I will take the best of both and work on the evils of both. It would be nice to find the love i looked for back then. The love i receive now is nice as well. But something, as a brother of mine has said. “Feels Missing”
I know he is right, because the love i have been receiving numbs the pain of that child, that me. And I’m scared that once this love goes it will come back. I rather have that hole in me than the hurt. That is for sure
But I still believe this was meant to be, ill let it come, i won’t fight it.
The whole ability to be human is to accept and love the good and bad. Without them, life wouldn’t be. Thats what makes us beautiful the fact that in each moment we will never know what comes, so whatever comes, comes
lets face em together.