Its funny the way us as beings define love. Its even more funny how we really feel about it.
Our definition a lot of the time is expressed solely to numb the confusion. It is in justifying all, that gives us hope so we can function another moment. as what?
I was put on this earth, cliche as it sounds. To question all that is good, and all that is bad. And feel absolutely the same about both, why? because it is an empty truth that in our moments of sorrow we acknowledge something needs to be fixed, it is in our moments of joy where we feel that everything is right and there is no need to continue to question. It is a common belief that when things are good continue what your doing and things can only get better. i do not see it. I wish it was true.
My mind, heart and body are very distant from one another but deeply connected. When there is something wrong in my heart and mind, my body will show it & vice versa. It is the same for ALL of us. When we have intercourse and interaction with people. If something is wrong, our bodies will not allow us to continue. The other week while attempting to make love to a physically beautiful lover, i sensed a deep emptiness inside my heart and mind because i was hurting i didn’t own her. My body did not allow me to please her. Our hearts weren’t in sync, guilt and ego forced me to do the impossible. It resulted in a devastated fashion that destroyed my spirit.
The word faithful is a common theme in relationships. But faithful to who? Do we ever ask ourselves that. Who are we faithful to?
Theories run through my mind of how one man who is unfaithful is happier than a man who is scared to be unfaithful. Temptation is never sin. temptation is natural course of life, when we fight it, then it becomes sin.
Fighting with life, is like killing a man that invites you to take his heart beat away. There is no joy in doing so.
When our hearts yearn for what our ‘partners’ cannot give. Is it so wrong to ask for more? I have loved a handful of people, i am in love with the idea of being back in love. But it is an empty shadow that burns. It is like the fire. When we get too close, it burns. But we are all attracted to it’s glow.
I go through all the friends and women i can wonder of. They ALL have hurt me the same way. Just in that moment though, always remember everyone is different, each and everyone. I do not mean from one another. I mean from themselves in the moment.
In the moment i can be your friend, in the moment i can be your enemy. But in this moment i am only the friend again.
The idea of being in love is very tempting. My heart, mind and body craves it. I will admit that. To not be able to smell enough of someones, taste enough of someone, share enough with someone. But it is a thirst that will never be quenched. Because it is only in the moment that in sync, In a different circumstance, all is lost.
I have to be more than honest with my blog, not with my readers. With my blog. Because it is a part of me i broke off to share with you. And if that part is not in sync with the rest of me, you will be enjoying something that is empty and warped, I will spare titles. But labels help you understand
My soulmate is a married woman, i am in love with idea of being in love with a physically beautiful lady of mine, i have said the words I love you in order to be possessed, and to satisfy my impulse. I am attracted to the idea of homosexuality as an escape from my rapidly rising bed count. My ego thrives of that number, my soul burns from it. Sex has become so warped it is like a surgical procedure. I am as lost as the moon but as needed as the sun. My mind believes in happy endings but my heart knows there is no such, you are either happy or you are ending.
Honesty is limitless. Its a rabbit hole with no ending. Your idea of the ‘truth’ and mine is a world of difference. Honesty the ability to reveal the truth no matter which part of you is saying it. That being said, when you told you mum you hate her in a fit of rage, it was the truth. When you told your wife you cheated on you’ll love her and her at your wedding, that was the truth. Now i am telling you this, sit back re-access the people in your lives, and tell them in this moment what you want to say but didn’t, couldn’t or said wrongly in the past. It is history.
The truth to your heart, is not the same as truth to your mind and to your soul. If it was decisions would be too simpler. Hesitation would not exist.
The confusion i am suffering from has brought out a lot of truths. My heart knows best but my mind does not trust. My mind fears, my mind is selfish, my mind surviving in the world. it was given.
I have been, a home wrecker, a lover, a torturer, a soldier, a tortured boy, abuser, abusive, abused, a faggot, a bitch, a slut, an sex addict, a user, a criminal, a savior, a prophet, a loner, a friend, a philosopher, a suicidal person, a manic depressive, the pill popper, the happiest man in the world, a sex god, a pig, a dog, a back stabber, a killer, a coward, a failure, a winner, a psychopath, a drug dealer, an asshole, a buddhist, a christian, a muslim, a terrorist, a blessing, a kiss, a good fuck, a short fuck, fucked up, a father, a cheater, a student, a fighter, a thug, a brother, a problem, the solution, a soulmate, a distraction, a boy toy, an angel and just a stranger.
But it is in this moment, I am in control.
I have been all that but in this moment my slate is wiped clean, and judge me only for what i am to you now.
Isn’t it beautiful, to question sadness and happiness.
No matter how much good is in one person, there is evil to balance. Ask yourself, why you are happy or not. Whether you give yourself the real reason or just an excuse in the hopes it will last. Nothing lasts, everything changes, whether it changes back or not be sure that it was meant to be. Life doesn’t give you the things you ask for. But when you trust in it, it’ll give you something just a wonderful.
Who am I?
I Love You.